As promised in my previous post I’m going to begin sharing my old diaries from the time when this depression began. It’s pretty tough at times as we get further in. Some stuff I’ll need to edit out and some names I’ll need to change to avoid hurting other people but I’ll keep it as honest as I can. With this is mind please be mindful of the fact I was only eighteen at the time and there is a lot of teenage angst and poor me kind of stuff but underneath is real problems. So here is the first entry.
25/11/01 (Sunday)
I’ve been thinking. Thinking a lot about things. About how endless life is. Like a constant re-run, a cycle that just keeps going. About things that happened, things that will happen and where I am going. Will I ever get out of this cycle? I don’t think so. I’ve been thinking and the end result is a feeling of hollowness like everything has lost its colour and faded out of importance. What matters? There is no future for me, not in real terms, there is nothing but mirrors, each week an identical reflection of the last- time copies time copies time over and over until it reaches the horizon.
I feel like such a loser. Mam said something today that really brought it home. She said my exam results following the standard grade courses aren’t good enough and won’t get me anywhere. Shit, I tried so hard and felt I’d done so well, Higher Grades are no picnic after all, but now it seems I’ve been living an illusion, the stars I’ve been reaching for are dead. How can my B’s and C’s live up to my sisters A’s? So now I wonder do I have a reason to live? I would say not. I feel so low. I don’t think I can stand another day in that crappy dead end job. It’s so depressing. Why can no one understand? Why can no one help?
Shall we look at the facts and go from there?
1) I am ugly
2) I am going to be stuck in a dead end job for the rest of my life
3) I have no decent exam results
4) My only talent is writing and that won’t get me anywhere
5)I can’t seem to communicate with people
6) Nothing interesting ever happens
7) I am hopeless obsessed with someone I can’t have
Now for the positives:
1) I have some really good friends.
So we have seven negatives against one positive. Doesn’t life suck? I am so unhappy and have nowhere to turn. Mam doesn’t listen and says its all my fault and I don’t want to moan to my friends and make them miserable too. So what? What do you do when you have no direction? Where do you run when you are trapped in a corner? How do you break out of a solid steel rat run? I guess you never do.
I’ll try and take comfort in something I enjoy doing. Writing lyrics. (I’ve written some pretty terrible lyrics here but I said I’d be honest and share even though they are very embarrassing)
I always tried to do the best I could/ I always thought I was doing good/ but I was blind with dreams and hope/ So blind I couldn’t see where I was gong/ Until someone brought it home to me/and now I see/those stars I’ve been reaching for/ The stars I’ve been following, my starts/ They where dead all along.